The last two weeks of my life have been the most productive and the most turbulent yet. Some of the emotional highs and lows that I have mapped are the exact replicas of some trading hour graphs that I digress, trying to understand the dynamics of things which are so uncertain but so in your face that I can’t help but feel ignorant about not seeing them coming. Heisenberg could not have been more right about observation changing the state of existence or something to that effect.
My work is finally on track and I am able to contribute in some way to the project that I am a part of. Long presentations and even longer KT sessions have become a part of the routine. Weekends have come and gone and the only time I realize them is when I don’t get the yellow paper on my desk on the Sunday. Its not free with the Times on a Sunday you see.
I was never a fan of the text book method of teaching and that I always prided myself in the fact that I was never good at these “exams” – read marks – that so define our social standing at any given time. Especially in the initial yrs just out of college. But coming to think of it in my context, I believe I have lost out in some way due to the disrespect I have shown to the system. Another blot added to the innumerable ones that I have on my merit list. I have no appetite for them anymore.
To run a tight ship, one needs to fill the leaks. How would you run one riddled with bullets all over, never acknowledged over time. It takes time to plug them and I am still in the process. The thing with working in a specialized environment is that you are narrowed down in the choices you can make and most of these choices are tough. Especially when the all the guys you grew up with make you believe that life full of promises and that they are shooting at the stars.
A typical good day for me has become a rare event and when I think back at the title that was once bestowed on me – the powerful god of all good times – it reminds me of times when I was so snobbish for not acknowledging the gentle rocking of my boat that could overturn due to the slightest of the crosswinds. Well, the winds are playing the ball.
In the best of my times, I satiated my thirst for worthiness by running a count of the innumerable acquaintances that I had, the long list of best friends that I proudly proclaimed to the world and also at my self belief at not letting any situation to get me down. Right now I can count with a single hand the number of people that I trust.
And the number is coming down by the day.
The rigmarole of a fast paced life is taking its toll on me, but yes, I am enjoying every bit of it. Freedom has various connotations – physical, financial, emotional etc., but for me the most important one has been the liberation from my artificial bubble of arrogance and conceit. Writing it down still carries some of it but the bubble’s burst. For good. There are no astounding achievements to speak about or any out of the body experiences to brag on but the sheer understanding of the limitations of one’s capabilities is indeed an eye-opener. And that’s where it all starts.