My best friend, loneliness.

I am alone.

I have been so for a long time of my life. I guess it’s a curse but if I had one faithful friend in the last 23yrs, it’s been loneliness. Be it self imposed or circumstantial, I am now in great awe of its resilience not to ditch me even in the best times of my life.

I have friends… always had. When in my own way I compare myself to loads of others, I can clearly see I have loads of close friends than most. I have carried great friends from School, Inter, Engg and a few that I picked up along the way… a whole lot of them for whom I am ever emotional, ever enthusiastic and ever-uber to please. I love them and I know they do to but one condition that is always been with them is they are never around me… always distant, always doing things that I don’t but never for once away from a phone call… never away from a decent drive.

In school, the best friends I have today were from a diff section. For some reason, a problem with me has been to make friends in a circle that I hang with all the time. They struck with me for 20yrs… a bond strong, both of them, always there… always watching out… but now continents and time zones apart!

Inter was where I probably studied the least yet made the maximum friends for life. We were six, a band with common hatred for authority and submission. We had a jest for movies and cricket and thanks to our combined lenient parents, had the opportunity to live two years in relative bliss. But the moment Engg started, 3 went away together to a different city and two joined a same kind of school. I was alone again…

Engg saw the most turbulent time in my life… I think I just refused to be sane for a long time. I just could not relate with a few and a few that I could truly relate to, may be did not with me. I was childish and stubborn but a few carried me through that phase. Now its continents again… aah, so much do I long for just spending time in silence, just to be back in the warmth of being with people who honestly don’t judge… For so much time I thought they truly did and such a fool I truly was…

And then friends picked at random at places. Org’s, festivals and clubs… just such wonderful, random people who are left with me today… but then with them came the burden of not being geographically close too… its such a pain!

On days of total melancholy in the time in US, when I am so utterly lonely crying out to be with friends and just discovering that I have none at hand and the few acquaintances that I do at every place that I am no longer want to have anything to do with me is a blow that is leaving deep scars as the time is going by. I guess I am at fault and its time I realize so…

The world runs by sweetness, by confirming to accepting what’s popular, not what is smart… to act by possessing degrading humor and flashiness… by sticking to a group with a combined voice and no opinion … they are right, I am wrong… I have failed, I concede.

Being a failure is not so bad for me… but being unwanted, not being cared… not to have someone who cares hurts…

I have done nothing wrong. I have never harmed… I never stole something that is not right fully mine or have ever been selfish… have gone out of the way to look out…

My biggest mistake is to not be sweet about it or flatter others with sugary words… I just am not like that…and it’s a price that I will pay for all my life…

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