I often tell myself stories about great things that have happened to me in the past and rejoice that I was someone of importance and that I added value to someone out there.
I keep telling myself tales about the future when I shall change the course of history and that I will bring joy and laughter to all the souls around me.
I imagine myself ending “that” particular speech, to the entire civilization that has stood up to bow down in my presence for my spectacular achievements, with the phrase “Virtus Sola Nobilitas” acknowledging the motto of my school and bask in my humbleness…
Yeah… I am awake now…
So, what is that I am doing wrong. Every mortal soul more or less does the above. He/She would be lying when they say that they are too practical to be above such emotional highs which each of them have grown up imagining. Well, I am mortal and I do most of the above all the time. And in the last couple of months, these delusions have only increased.
Sleep is a luxury right now. Sleep is something that I desperately need and that too undisturbed. I crash out of exhaustion but its not sleep. I wake up with a start, imagining myself in an other delusional world with sketches of everything that’s lacking in my life today.
Hyderabad is what appears the most in my dreams these days. And I don’t seem to recognize it anymore. I don’t recognize the people anymore, I don’t relate to the hustle bustle in the air these days. I no longer remember the times that I spent at the various places in town. Every corner or a joint vaguely reminds me of a life long ago which was healthy, romantic, fun and lively.
I am going to movies alone these days. Movies in empty theatre’s. Movies that are gory and dark. I sit through them with dark coffee and violent thoughts. The laughter and fun around seems to have no effect of me these days. Its just a hum in the background. Just passive.
Days and weeks seem to pass by without any effect. The slow mornings, the frenzied afternoons, dull evenings and lonely nights. All of them just seem to be the same. Vocations and hobbies seem as banal as the rest of the stuff. Is it what I asked for? Is this what you study for? Earn for?